The Case of the Prodigal Shoe.....

It's absurd. Truly. Years ago....maybe 6 or so, I went on vacation and left a sandal underneath a bed at the resort. Cute sandal...I mean a 'knock your socks off' cute sandal. I was so distressed when I got home. Both because I wasn't still on the beach doing m'thing and also because I had left the sandal. Here's the absurd thing.....maybe absurd to the 100th* or absurd squared...whatever....math is NOT my strong suit. I have kept the other sandal. Yes...it is still in my closet. Why do you think I've done this? Do you think that I think the resort will suddenly say....O Yeah...we've never sent that sandal to its owner....maybe we should do that. Really? Should I believe they remember ME? DO NOT ANSWER THAT!!! Maybe I think one night very late there will be a knock on my door...and I'll open it to my sandal being there. The sole will be worn thin from the long walk it's had to take to get from Mexico to my door. The shiny sparkle will be a little tarnished. But you know what? If that happens, I'll throw a party. I will welcome Sandal home with open arms. I will spit and polish. I will reintroduce it to it's mate. It will be quite the extravaganza. The Return of the Prodigal Sandal.......I've lost my mind. Truly!!

CL

Tonight I feel the need to address.......cat litter.....I tried to whisper when I typed that. I hope you heard me without straining your ears too much. The world is a divided place.....either you are a cat lover....or a cat hater. Dogs.....you can be ambivalent about...not cats. But here's the thing......things go in...things come out....surely I don't have to SPELL THIS OUT!! If you have an indoor cat, then you have cat litter. Everyday.....you must deal with it. So the question hangs in the air.....do you really look cute bent over a litter box scooping clumps, clods, ooooooo the indelicacy of it. I'm going to answer my question...YOU DO NOT LOOK CUTE. You just don't. No matter the outfit, the shoes, the fresh mani/pedi, cute hair...darlin' ya don't look cute. And then where the heck do you put the litter box? Is there any place in any person's house that has that ooooooooooooooo so purrrrrfect(sorry, couldn't resist) place to put a litter box? Have you ever read an ad in your local newspaper...in the real estate section... that touted a house because it had the perfect litter box space? Do builders work for hours on blue prints just to design that one spot where the cat can......DO IT'S THING? I have a cat...I have a litter box.....I have the angst of the entire thing. It's an abomination. I have a scoop. It's blue plastic....I wonder if I bedazzled it, I would feel better about the entire process. I really really wonder if Litter Boxes were in God's plan in the seven days he worked so hard to create the world. This begs the question.....were there litter boxes on the ARK....hey Noah...don't forget the litter box.....you'll be sorreeeeeeeeeeeeee if you do. Okay...I think you probably think I'm insane and I probably am. I really can't fathom that anybody else in the entire universe is blogging about litter boxes at this moment. I wish that made me feel special...the fact of the matter is...I'm a little sad and scared. No, make that a lot.

Poverty

There is rampant poverty on the Brannan Farm. We are a Third World Farm. Poverty of the worst kind......towel poverty. You know that moment when you actually LOOK at your towels and think....o good gosh.....I hope no one drops by for a bath. I would have to say.......take a long soak while I run to Wally. I don't know why this happens. Why my towel-o-meter doesn't keep up with the condition of our linen closet. It should have gone off decades ago. Most of these towels I'm sure were washcloths during the Watergate scandal, hand towels shortly after Nixon resigned, then grew to adult towelhood during the Ford presidency. No, this is NOT a political statement. It is just a fact and a very sad one at that. I swear some of them you can see through which is NOT a good thing if you have wrapped yourself securely with these poor things then have innocently stepped in front of a mirror. H-O-R-R-O-R!! Tell me.....do YOU want to see through your towel when you are in front of your mirror? Okay....so you're narcissitic. I, on the other hand, rather live my life perfectly oblivious to the state of what lies beneath my towel wrapped body. I want new towels. I want soft, plush, warm, soothing towels. I want vibrant colored towels. I mostly want towels that hide the fact I've had TWO Coke Classics today along with popcorn, Cheetos and other assorted snacks. So for the sake of my self esteem, my embarrassment and also my laziness, please DO NOT drop by my house today for a bath and force me to run and buy new towels. I promise, I hold my right hand over my heart, I WILL end this state of towel poverty soon. Just not today when football is good, snacks are plentiful and I'm planning on drying off in the dark for the next few days. Peace Out!

Slump

I am in a reading slump and may I say I AM MISERABLE. Look out my window......cloudy, cold, dreary, uninviting......PURRRRRRRRRRFECT reading day. I have my couch, I have my blanket, I have my coffee, I have my dog and cat, I have my candle wafting a wonderful spicy scent, I have my crockpot ready to fill and slowly cook some wonderful autumn soup......yet I HAVE NO BOOK I can get in to. If you're a reader, you feel my pain. I have a Kindle full of unread books. Nothing fits the bill today. I'm like a workaholic with no work, a chocoholic with no chocolate. Raise your hand if you can sympathize with me. I want a book.....I want a really really really good book. I want a book that will take me away and let me live in another place and have different family and friends. NOW NOW NOW....do not think I don't love my home, family and friends. Dude, really? Geeeeeeeeeeeeeesh. If you are a reader, you will understand my angst. I'm in the middle of a pity party of indescribable depth. I'm wallowing in sadness. I'm drowning in my tears. I NEED A BOOK!!

Dreams Part Dos

Last night I was hiding in the very top of trees....possibly from the Bulgarians whom I insulted somewhat yesterday in this blog. There was a problem...well, actually two. First I'm not a fan of heights.......even 2 inches off the floor bothers me. Secondly, the trees were dead. Do you have a clue how hard it was to hide this body behind a dead tree limb? I was frantically looking for at least one leaf to help. Like the size of an Elephant Ear leaf. No where to be found. So there I was......the Bulgarians after me, and no Elephant Ear leaf to be seen. I could longingly see in windows of various houses with people going about their nightly family routines. Dinners were being eaten, TV's were being watched, conversations were being had.....NOBODY BUT ME was concerned about the Bulgarians. I wanted somebody to look out their window and bring me a ladder.....or a parachute. Yes...I was that high. Did they? No. I really was wishing at some point that my infamous chin hair ( you remember the 45 ft one from a couple of days ago) was still attached. I could have then been Rapunzel. I see the questioning looks....Google her. So because of this entirely more than ridiculous state of affairs, I am apologizing to Bulgarians everywhere. I WILL look you up on the map, I WILL buy Bulgarian Rosetta Stone, I WILL cook nothing but Bulgarian food.....wait, that might be going a bit far. Dont' mess with my food! Sorry Bulgarians.

I Have No Answer

Why would I dream last night of going to Bulgaria? Can you answer that? I knew you couldn't...why did I ask? Silly me! I can maybe understand a dream of going to Paris, or Hawaii or NYC......but BULGARIA? Now I'm certainly not trying to insult my Bulgarian readers.....of which I'm sure there are many, but I can not even tell you where Bulgaria is exactly.....or maybe even generally. In my dream I was in Bulgaria with my mother, who died in 1996. I dream about my mom a lot, so that part isn't unusual. I'm sure she's still worried that I might wear white shoes after Labor Day and that sort of thing. She was a true Southern woman who minded all the rules of etiquette. How, you might be asking, did she have a daughter like me. And to that question I will respond......SHUT IT!! Anyway...I had forgotten to pack a suitcase for our trip to exotic Bulgaria. I wonder if it was because since I had no clue where Bulgaria was, I also had no clue what month it might be there and I was unsure about my shoe situation. I don't know....but okay, fine. We were in a dress shop trying to buy me some clothes. ......a PROM dress shop. Do you think maybe I was going to a prom in Bulgaria? Do they HAVE proms in Bulgaria? I don't know.....maybe I should Google that and let you know. Truthfully you probably don't care about Bulgarian Proms....do you? Me neither. So that being said......I'LL SHUT IT. Can't wait to see where I go tonight.

Can You Imagine? I Can't!!

I have no friends nor family who love me. I know you possibly think I exaggerate, but I don't. None, nada.....zilch. Here is how I know.....quit reading if you can't stand gross detail. Just stop now. I won't blame you. I promise. But for those of you who have a very morbid sense of life, I'm going to continue because my psyche needs this and we all know it's ALL ABOUT ME! Yesterday I was getting ready to leave the house. I'm standing in front of my mirror...really really close cause I'm blind. I have to stand with my face nearly touching said mirror in order to even see my face....I digress. There in the mirror.....take a deep breath.....was a CHIN HAIR that was 45 feet long, it had been growing for at least a decade. I mean I turned around to see if it was winding out the bathroom door.....it was...... and through our bedroom .....you get the point. It was horrendous. It was horrific. It was truly mesmerizing. I wondered at that moment how I had walked around for the last 10 years without tripping. Just lucky I guess. Now, I ask you.....if I had a friend or family member who truly loved me.......wouldn't you think someone would have said something during these 120 months this chin hair has been growing? I mean come on............I wonder how I've managed not to get it caught in my car door. I wonder if it would qualify for Locks of Love. I'm in the process of contacting the Guiness Book of World Records. I'm sure I'll have statue depicting me and my chin hair in Tussaud's House of Wax. I'm certain at that point my friends and family will want free tickets; they'll be denied. I am a ship without a port, but I do have an oar....and it's 45 feet long.