Harp Harp Harp

I understand that I have regaled you about DFW traffic before.....but I cannot stop myself..........HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO IT????? I'm being the Mom of the Year.....no Century.....helping my daughter while she's sick......now I love my kids more than you love yours...I'm sure of this.....OR I WOULDN'T BE HERE!! She needed a couple of things from the drugstore so off I go.......good thing it wasn't 5 o'clock or I would have refused.....anyway.....I went to two places......not many turns....but they were several miles apart. Probably 25 minutes of driving in all....I'm raising my right hand and swearing at this point that I said more curse words in that 25 minutes than I've said in the last month....and if you know me...well, THAT'S A LOT. I have three kids in the DFW area...... and a daughter and son-in law that live in Austin.....but we all know that Austin is God's protected revered country....Hook 'Em. Anyway....My daughter, son and his wife live in this DFW War Zone. I would think they all are intelligent folks......all degreed....one a OB/GYN. I am now living in a state of terror......they drive in this mess daily.....I want them all to change jobs......I'm sure that being a Lion Tamer or a Trapeze Artist would be much safer......so what if we've spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on their combined educations...who cares.....travel with the Circus.....scoop elephant poop....sell funnel cakes.....tell fortunes, whatever it takes. I'm thinking of going on ArmyTanks.com to see if I can find 3 of them......do you think there would be any tanks listed on Craigslist? What are my other options? I can think of none. Their commutes might take a little longer, but think of how they could roll their way down these nightmarish roads. I feel better already. I have a plan.

Bacon..........

My husband just told me I was going to OD on bacon. Raise your hand if you think that's true. I see NO hands going up.....possibly because no one is reading this blog..but okay fine. I think there are worse things to be 'hooked' on, obsessed with, can't get enough of.....in fact, I'm pretty sure there are. But to be totally fair there are probably much BETTER things to be hooked on, obsessed with, can't get enough of....things like lettuce leaves, carrot sticks, celery stalks (do you love my two word thingies?). The obvious question might be.....is it turkey bacon because that's not quite so bad for you. To this I give a RESOUNDING no......I don't want to insult pigs everywhere. I firmly believe my strips of bacon should NEVER have had feathers. Call me wrong...but it's my deep seated feeling. How much do you eat you might ask. My generic answer is probably WAY more than you do! How do you keep your girlish figure you might ask. My answer is ....clearly you need to see your eye doctor, clean your glasses, or have your cataracts removed. Possibly all of the above. So, if you find me on the side of the road in a bacon coma, please wipe the grease from around my mouth before you call 911. You know I'd do the same for you!!

Auto-Correct....

Today I feel the need to speak my piece on Auto-Correcting. I hate it. Don't correct me...it's insulting. Maybe I WANTED to misspell that word....Mr. Iphone..have you ever thought of that? Okay..case in point. I have a daughter...she's 26.....now...I realllllllllllllly hate it when Mothers say their daughters are their BEST FRIEND. I think that's unnatural. But that can be addressed on another day. Nonetheless...my daughter is old enough now to NOT be totally embarrassed by me.....nor hide when I walk in the room....and we do text a LOT. So today.....she sent me a text and helllllooo Auto-Correct....for a moment I thought she was confessing to me that she was making her living walking the streets of Dallas....perhaps you get my drift. It was shocking.....I mean my heart did skip a beat. She has a college degree...I was under the assumption she had a responsible job. Was she coming clean with the fact that she was really Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman? Okay, Okay...maybe for just a mili-second my thoughts did drift to Richard Gere and maybe the shock wasn't quite so bad. But back to Auto-Correct....do you like it? I know there are websites about funny Auto-Corrects......I haven't read them....I have my own. I teach.....I spell...I can't add 2+2....but I CAN....write. Yes, yes, yes...I know I can turn Auto-Correct off...but then what would I gripe about? I mean really..........................

Match Day?

Did you see me today? Did you think my shoes matched my dress? Why do I worry about these things on such an absurd level? I really spent much of the day today seeing if I could find the exact color of pink in my dress that I thought matched my shoes. Why do these things happen? I had a choice this morning....a multi-colored dress....and I could have worn these gold glittered shoes(much like Dorothy's only not red) or these reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy cute pinkish shoes with a big bow on each one. I thought about it for 35 seconds this morning and then chose the pink ones. I second guessed myself all day. Now a fashion maven I'm not......(QUIT NODDING YOUR HEAD IN AGREEMENT), but I usually do try to look decent and at times even manage NOT to wear my shirt inside out. Do you think the other 400 people I was with at school today wondered why I chose the cute pink shoes over the glittery gold ones? I probably spent about 1/2 my time looking down at my dress seeing if I could see that color. This is not normal. Refer back to my blog on Full Length Mirrors....as noted that day... I HAVE ONE. I looked in it this morning...I chose the pink shoes. I walked out the door....then began to worry. I didn't dare ask anyone if my shoes matched my dress because I was afraid of that raised eyebrow look you sometimes get. You know the one....eyebrow ever so slightly raised...lips ever so slightly pursed..then a flat out lie....."Bless your heart, you look fine." I think maybe I should have worried about Global Warming or the rising cost of gasoline or the likelihood of a meteor falling on my house. I'm pretty sure the exact match of the pinks has no significant bearing on life as we know it today. O well...next time I wear this dress......it's the gold glitter for sure. Then that day I can turn my thoughts to something more profound, more conscious raising....yes! For sure that day I will NOT worry about pink!

Bizarre? Perhaps............

Have you ever thought about the fact that dogs from other countries don't understand English? It's bizarre don't you think? A French poodle living in Chicago understands English; but an English bulldog living in Paris understands French. I find that fascinating. I wonder how you say Sit or Stay to an Australian Shepard who lives in Tokyo. Or tell a German Shepard who lives in Rio to roll over if you don't know Portuguese? How cool would it be to have a bilingual dog? Here's my Russian Wolfhound and he understands Shake in 6 different languages. But that poor Chinese Pug over there only understands Shake in 3 languages. He's not so talented I guess. Here's a thought......do Mexican Chihuahua's speak Castilian Spanish? I would think not...unless they are well traveled. I find this entire subject extraordinary.....but probably no more so than you find me crazy. Perhaps I should stop now......yes, I think I will.

Mirror Mirror.......

I have a love hate relationship with ALL mirrors......do you? I mean, sometimes I walk by a mirror, glance in it and think...who is that woman? It is indeed surprising most of the time. I have a full length mirror in our master bath. FULL LENGTH.......horrifying, brutally horrifying. It was great 30 years ago.....yes I know, maybe I should have taken it down before the two kids, and the waning muscle tone and the well....I'll not go further. It is built into the wall......you can walk right up to it, and it is lovely for putting on makeup....checking teeth for pepper....and okay,okay......scrutinizing for wayward chin hairs. It is my friend when I'm extra cute and look somewhat stylish....these times come about once every 27 months. It can be my worst enemy when I stand before it and oooooooooooooooo nooooooooooooooooo.....maybe that extra helping of whatever should NEVER have happened.....these times come about every 27 seconds. But here's the thing......mirrors are to be used. Ya gotta......you just gotta. After you dress...it may bring tears to your eyes.... but make yourself do a full length survey....every day.....yes indeed...front, side and take a deep breath, back. Do it.....it surely will hurt worse than a root canal with no novocaine, but you owe it to yourself and the reputation of your family. Lots of things can go on when you don't check your image......let me tell you, they've happened to me a time or two. So again....front, side and back. As time goes on, it will become less painful, maybe more like a log jammed in your eye. Raise your right and and repeat after me....I WILL NOT leave my house without a complete mirror check. Just don't!!!

To Be Read.............

I have a love/hate relationship with my TBR pile of books. Yeah, I know, confusing to say the least. On the one hand I love having a huge To Be Read stack of novels...both heaped beside my bed as well as filling up my Kindle.....it's comforting to know that at no time will I be alone or bored. My book friends are quietly waiting for me to stop by and spend minutes, hours or days with them. They will introduce themselves and their families and homes and soon I will be a welcome part of their world as they will be of mine. On the other hand...sometimes I find myself not thoroughly enjoying a really good book I'm reading because I know I have so many more books waiting on me. Are the characters in my TBR pile getting antsy for me to start? Are they reshuffling the story by tapping feet, raising eyebrows, chatting about my slowness? I sometimes rush through a book because I know that I have so many fun friends tapping their impatient feet. Curious and Curiouser. Am I alone in this feeling? It's a dichotomy of emotion. But one I welcome. Gotta go....my current book is softly calling my name.

Sign Me Up!!

Here's a question to ponder.....I just saw an ad on TV.......Faithful Women Wanted....no, not a Christian ad....it was a dating ad. Really? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say....just guessing........that there are few men who would respond to an ad.....UNfaithful Women Wanted. Now, clearly I'm not a man.....and there is a reason for that....but okay,fine. Do you think there are men out there who want women who would lie, cheat and steal? O Yeah....hook me up with a women who will clean out my bank account, steal my identity and go out with my best friend, brother and second cousin once removed! I want that kind of woman. Who do I call? Where do I sign up? Show me her profile. Here's my credit card info. Life just gets more bizarre by the minute.

Invisible Words

Sometimes I contemplate or ponder on all the words left unspoken. Weird I know, but think about it.....aren't there words you sometimes wished you'd said. Maybe to a friend in need, maybe to a family member, maybe to a coworker, maybe to a waiter, a store clerk, a stranger on the street. I think the air is full of words left unsaid. The atmosphere probably is clogged with them. I can just imagine all the letters, words and punctuation marks floating around going nowhere. The pleases, thank you's, complements, criticisms, jokes, fun words, hurtful words, advice.......millions of syllables drifting along waiting to be heard. I imagine that words have colors. Getting weirder huh. But the criticisms are probably black. The hurtful words slate grey....the thank you's are probably a light yellow. The advice words are regal purple. The list goes on and on. Some words are much better left unsaid......we all know that once words leave our mouths.....we can't suck them back in....no matter how badly we want to. Those are the words that are much better left invisible, unheard, not uttered. Sometimes we're in situations where we don't know exactly what to say...wouldn't it be nice to grab an appropriate phrase out of the air and say it? Most probably someone at some time has said the words you need and would love to have on the tip of your tongue....words of encouragement, comfort, wisdom. On other occasions if words are left unsaid in a home, between friends, among a community, then the air can be full and tense and thick. 'You can cut it with a knife' type air. That air can be hard to breath......but better than air filled with black words in bold letters and exclamation points hurling around....words with cutting edges that are stabbing and pricking and cutting and slicing. So.....in all my word weirdness, with all my imaginary words hanging by invisible threads I want to say be very careful about your words. Use them wisely. Build people up.....not down. I, for one, am glad that some of the words I COULD have said I didn't....they remain invisible. But on the other hand, am sorry that sometimes I allowed my oooooooooooooooooo so cutting tongue to hurt or tear down. Let's make today an Invisible Word Day...if your words are not light and uplifting and happy, keep them to yourself. I promise you'll be glad you did!

Work, Yes Please..............

Today is the perfect example of why I don't retire......sorry kids, not yet. I have the years....Lord knows I have the age. What I don't have is the little niggle that tells me I should, or better yet, can. Here's part of the deal......I would be WORTHLESS. All day today I have occupied my end of the couch, with my glass of tea near by, my dog lying next to me, my cat lying on the back of the couch, my computer on the side table, my cell phone beside it.....do you GET THE PICTURE? Do I need to go to town....why, yes I do!! The cupboards at the Brannan Farm are bare. Do I need to do some laundry.....hmmmmm...yep, pretty sure that the dirty clothes hamper is working at near capacity level. Do I need to do yard work.....NOPE.....I will concede that since everything we have is burned to a crisp and/or eaten by the 3 million grasshoppers that call the Brannan Farm home. Back to my guilt trip.....nothing accomplished is not a good fit for me. At least not yet. I don't know how to do nothing. I fear that day after day, I would sit, read, eat, ......repeat as needed. I would eat, shall we say, a tad more than I should, I would probably not get dressed for days. I would blog, tweet, FB, text and basically be a slug...no offense to the bloggers, tweeters, Facebookers and texters...or the slugs for that matter....all are noble pastimes. So, when you see me and ask me.....You ready for school to start? I'm gonna say yes.....because I am.....because it's what's best for me and I hope for the 135 kids that,this year,will walk through the door of Rm 11 on The Hill. Kudos to you guys who can retire and still be productive. It's just not me yet......

Hazard Ahead...............

It's a fact.....napping is hazardous for your health. Well......I'll be more specific....for your weight which in turn for your health. Do you follow me here? It is not possible to take a nap without waking up hungry...going to the pantry and yep picking up either sweets or carbs. For me it's carbs. O Yeah...and lest we forget....a real Classic Coke. If I nap and do NOT follow through with all of the above, I'm suicidal or homicidal, which....going out on a limb here and saying....might also be somewhat hazardous for my OR your health. I know, I know....the solution seems simple...no nap. There you have it! Maybe not exactly.......tiredness leads to irritability, snappishness and an over all feeling of disgruntleness ( I know that's not a word, deal with it!). People around you suffer, therefore it is your moral obligation to take a nap when the needs arises and we've come full circle...back to weight gain. Hazard Ahead! So this is the way I see it. I can either be a skinny, hard to deal with, out of sorts witch(change the first letter if you feel the need), or a slightly rotund, rested, carb eating, Classic Coke guzzling Lady of Leisure. You choose!

Is This Normal?

The Dishnet guy is coming out today. As usual, they say he will be here this morning between 8 and 12. So I sit and wait. Is this normal? I mean I SIT AND WAIT. I do not get up from the couch. I do not start laundry, pick up, straighten up or accomplish anything but sitting and waiting. Why do I do this? It's like I'm afraid if I move around he will drive past my house and never return. I think it's a phobia of some sort that is probably written up in some obscure psychological book. Maybe I should Google. Hmmmmmm.....fear of standing when expecting a repairman. Or better yet, maybe I could be written up in that psychological journal. Women sits on couch for hours due to fear of missing repairman......Yes!! An entire article could be written on me and that would be my 15 minutes of fame. I wonder if I really should want to be famous for that? Back to my question. You need to answer me. Here's chapter two of this deal....he's supposed to call first...due to the fact that we're not that easy to find.....country life.....no mailbox...etc. Maybe this contributes to my fear of getting off the couch. I will miss his call. Never mind that we have two cordless phones. And I have hands that can carry one with me should I venture 3 feet away from the phone that is lying on the couch next to me. I have done this before. It is not a new phobia. I ask again.....IS THIS NORMAL?

Cleavage......

I woke up this morning thinking about cleavage....I do not know why this has happened. I mean, really? I quit worrying about that sort of thing more years ago than I can count. Then I thought....maybe I SHOULD be worried about it....do you think I should? Do you worry about it? What else do I need to be worried about I wonder. Maybe cleavage is a code word that should lead me down the Worry Path to something else. I wonder how you tap out cleavage in Morse Code, or what it looks like in Braille. If there is anybody out there that knows, please send me a message. I don't want to miss this worry opportunity. Tap tap...dot dot. I'm sure I need to know these things. I'm sorry if I have offended your sensibilities, but this is too bizarre not to pass along. Maybe I should rearrange the letters of CLEAVAGE to make another word and that's my answer. Or possibly I need to check my letters on my WWF games and see if I can make a Triple Word out of it with V or G being on a Triple Letter. You see, now I'm obsessing about cleavage. This is not normal. This is so abnormal I'm wondering whether or not to even publish this blog. What little credibility I have enjoyed is now lost. But how can I get help if I remain silent? I know you're sorry you read this. Forgive me; it won't happen again.

Crow Alert....Crow Alert.....

Hide Ya Kids.....Hide Ya Wives and DEFINITELY Hide Ya Husbands........This is an EMERGENCY Alert for the state of Virginia. There seems to have been a significant migration of Crows from the Great State of Texas to Virginia. It is reported that in Virginia the Texas Crows joined forces with the Virginia Crows. The specific city in Virginia will not be made public as to avoid panic in the streets. This migration will cause a tremendous change in the atmosphere, water pressure as well as a decrease of adult beverages on store shelves. It is also advised that ear plugs be used by the citizenry when not in sound proof rooms. Hospitals should be on alert for broken toes and scrapped arms. If you have a SAFE room in your house, USE IT at this time. This emergency alert should remain in effect until at least Wednesday. At that point they are EXPECTED to leave the state. As to their ability TO BE ABLE to leave that day....well, we'll just have to wait and see. There may or may not be massive piles of chin hairs on city streets. There most assuredly will be synchronized swimming that we can only hope will NOT be captured by any news team and aired on television. If one has a small child and lives in Virginia, it is advised that possibly you should AT ALL TIMES have your child's ears covered as well as plugged;teen curfews should be strictly enfored. One can never be too careful. If you have the means and time to evacuate, it is advised that you take action NOW. If by chance you hear The Eyes of Texas being sung by a choir of Crows...then you must take heed. Look neither to the right nor left. Walk quickly with your head down. You are in a Crow Overload area at that point. Be advised that Wills and Legal Powers of Attorney should be updated. Life and Health insurance should be in place. While not the end of the world, it is a significant advisory....stay safe Virginia....and the world wishes you Godspeed.

A Disturbing Subject..................

This morning I feel the need to address something that is disturbing.....you might want to look away. Chin hairs......there...I've said it. Not aloud you understand because I'm not that brave yet. If my money grew in the bank like these alarming white hairs do on my chin, then I'd be taking us all on a great Vacay. How do these things sprout overnight with such abundance, or for that matter, in a much shorter time than that? It is a truly perplexing situation, and one that I feel is shared by many women. Chin hairs on a man...they wear them proudly. First thing in the summer that teenage boys do is let their 3 1/2 chin hairs grow out. Do they want more? I will give mine away FREE of charge. Maybe I could do a garage sale featuring chin hairs....much like free puppies or kitties. I swear I look in the mirror, look away, and back and there are 57 more that have grown in a millisecond. Raise your hands ladies if you feel my pain. Yes, we can get waxed, threaded, sugared or whatever to get rid of these distressing things. We can pull and pluck. We can cut and yes, even shave. But they are back before we can turn around and re-look in the mirror. If I had WANTED chin hair, I would have been a man. I hope I haven't ruined your Saturday. But I warned you to look away while you had the chance.

Travelogue Part Trois....or Tres

This is my last installment of my road trip and I'm sure you're forever grateful. But I just couldn't leave this segment out as it is truly the best part. I managed to forget the Hearse and turn on the home stretch highway that I live on......The Jimmy Choo's a fond memory and the Grim Reaper had left me alone......I'm hammered down (don'tcha love that CB talk?). Anyway....I have Fleetwood Mac tunes blaring.....cruise set on just a taddddddddddddddd over 70...life is good! Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech.......Slow down for Workers. Are you kidding me? Really?? Again???.....third summer in a row they are trying to pave the road.....and it hold. Up ahead is a guy in an orange vest with a big ole STOP SIGN. D*mmit!!!! I'm 4 miles from the house. But being the law abiding citizen that I am........and have always been ...I stop....foreverrrrrrrrrrrrr. Before long I begin to feel sorry for this guy. It is nearly noon.....it is hot....he's standing on the pavement....has been for hours and will be for hours. No Ipod....no Kindle.....nothing for entertainment but counting the heat waves shimmering up from the road. I'm watching him...he's watching me.....I'm feeling better cause clearly I have the best situation. Then he bends over.....and low and behold...he turns over a foil wrapped burrito he's heating on the pavement. What a guy! He's cooking his lunch! He's a genius this guy! Don't you love it? I thought man.....I'd really like to have some of that burrito. I bet it's gonna be good. Now I'm wondering if maybe he has the upper hand. Dude....share your food. He just watched me and gave a wave as I drove off. What a guy!